A Satirical Monologue, By Cheryl

Here's a satirical monologue I wrote recently. I decided to post it here, because isn't the idea of a blog to spread the word about what you're doing? I'm going to start posting my work here often.

So, read it. If you like it, please send the link to a friend! Love you all!

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Something that annoys me more than almost anything in the world is when grocery store cashiers ask for money for charity.

It's not that I'm opposed to charity; I dedicate much of my life to activism, and charity is no small part of the work I do. How many times have I driven my seventeen-year-old daughter to the Petro Canada to participate in her soccer team's fund raising car wash weekends? Just last week, I drove her. It was the hottest day of the summer so far, and the air conditioning in my car has been on the fritz. I thought I would die from the heat, but I still drove her, didn't I? And while we're on the topic of my own personal contributions to the betterment of the world, I think my strongly worded letter to the town officials, who cut back on park funding resulting in the cancellation of the plans for the goldfish pond installation in Heritage Park, is also worth noting. So, of course I support worthwhile causes. I just believe that there is a time and a place for charity.

Grocery store cashiers asking for money is a different issue entirely. by asking each and every customer who comes through their store for money to support a charity, the store is assuming that everyone can afford to make the donation. Right now the world is struggling to recover from a massive recession. Unemployment statistics are still alarmingly high. Some people have had to sell things of value. My own brother, who was laid off from the Honda factory a few months back, was forced to sell his entire collection of Fraggle Rock toys from McDonalds, and he's been collecting them since 1982. So, as you can see, while a two dollar donation to the Heart and Stroke Foundation might seem like a small sacrifice to most of us, there are many people in our communities who are struggling to feed their families, and even a small donation is just not possible for them.

Think about how much money two dollars actually is. For two dollars, one could buy a two litre bottle of Coke Zero. Or a Snickers bar. Or a box of those great low calorie Crystal Light flavour mixes to add to bottled water. Or, in a really desperate situation, one could stand on the curb outside the store and use the toonie to bum a cigarette from a kind passer-by. Two dollars is a ton of money.

And now that I've pointed these issues out, it's clear to see that it takes nerve for cashiers to ask customers, many of whom are unemployed, for money for charity. So, what's the result? Unintentionally, those who can't afford to give are made to feel uncomfortable, or even embarrassed, while their crime is nothing more than trying to shop for food in peace. To just scoot into the store, buy their orange cranberry muffins and Perrier, and return to the safety of their own homes, away from the prying, judgmental eyes of the public.

In addition, not everyone manages to buy everything they need for the coming week in a single shopping trip. One person might visit a store many times during a single campaign, and be asked for a donation each time.

I'm a busy person. My job, at the risk of sounding slightly immodest, is incredibly important. If I weren't there to greet the Wal-Mart customers and hand out carts to people in need...well, disaster could follow. I spend all day working hard, and I rarely think to make a shopping list before going to the grocery store. The result, sadly, is repeat trips to Sobeys. When a checkout campaign is happening, I am often asked for donations several times. And while the donations are often only two or three dollars, how many times should I be expected to donate to Easter Seals before it becomes too much to ask? Am I an awful person for not wanting to spend two extra dollars each time I forget the Oreos and have to return to the store? To look at this logically, a two dollar bag of Oreos cost four dollars to someone who is forced into a charitable donation as a result of the purchase.

Don't even get me started talking about Girl Guides, hockey teams, and Cadets. They congregate in front of the stores, selling eight dollar boxes of cookies, or hot dogs, or apples. Saying no to these kids makes a person look like a world class jerk, but for an unemployed person, eight dollars would likely be considered too much to spend on a box of cookies. No to mention that kids are spoiled rotten nowadays. The last Girl Guide who tried to sell me a box of cookies told me that they were fund raising to subsidize a trip to Europe. When I was a Girl Guide we went camping in my friend's back yard. And we didn't need to sell cookies in order to afford it. Needless to say, I didn't buy any cookies from the jet setting Girl Guides.

Cadets aren't as difficult to avoid as the other beggars. They give out those cardboard tags that you're supposed to carry around to show that you've already given, so that the next group of Cadets won't ask the same people to give again. I keep one of those tags in my glove compartment, and take it out when I see the Cadets standing outside the stores ready to pounce.

The problem is, aside from Cadets, money grubbers in stores are much more difficult to avoid than homeless people who ask for money on the street, or squeegee kids who come to your car window. At least with homeless people I can cross the street and walk on the other side. With Squeegee Kids, I can rev my engine and pretend I'm going to try to run them down (and let me tell you, the little buggers can move pretty quick given the proper motivation!) . Girl Guides are surprisingly aggressive little bitches. They'll get in a person's face.

Undoubtedly, the overall intention of charity is good. As I've said, I work hard to support charity. But there's a time and a place for it, and I refuse to give to charities that try to force people to give at grocery stores. By singling people out this way, in many cases these organizations may be doing just as much harm in a community as good.